When Grandma’s Stories Don’t Add Up: Navigating Life with Elderly Family Members Who Can’t Stop Lying

Honestly? I never thought I’d be writing about this. But here I am, after dealing with my own family situation and hearing similar stories from friends, and I realized we need to talk about this elephant in the room. You know what I’m talking about – that moment when you realize your beloved grandparent, parent, or elderly aunt isn’t just “misremembering” things anymore. They’re straight up lying. And it’s driving you absolutely bonkers.

Let me be real with you for a second. This stuff is hard. Like, really hard. Because we’re talking about people we love and respect, people who raised us or played important roles in our lives. But suddenly you’re questioning everything they say, and it feels awful.

Why Are They Doing This to Us?

Before you lose your mind completely (trust me, I’ve been there), let’s figure out what’s actually happening here. If you feel your elderly parent is lying to you, before you do anything, try to understand why. They may be upset that they are not involved with decision-making and trying to regain some power.

Think about it – aging can be scary as hell. Your independence is slipping away, your family is making decisions about your life, and suddenly you feel like you have zero control. Some elderly folks start lying as a way to grab back some of that power. It’s like their way of saying, “Hey, I’m still here, and I still matter.”

But here’s where it gets tricky. They may be lying out of fear. If they admit to not feeling well, or not being able to perform a task, they may fear they will be placed somewhere else or require more care. Can you imagine living with that constant fear? That admitting you’re struggling might mean losing your home, your freedom, your dignity?

And then there’s the medical side of things. Of course, they also may not be aware they are lying at all. If they are showing signs of memory loss or dementia, then it may not be in their control. This is called confabulation, and it’s not the same thing as lying at all. When confabulating, people do not attempt to lie or deceive the person they are talking with. People who confabulate honestly think what they are saying is correct and have no intention of lying.

Wait, let me back up a bit here. Confabulation is basically when the brain fills in memory gaps with made-up information, but the person genuinely believes it’s true. When someone with dementia unknowingly invents a story – which is called confabulation – it may be a coping strategy to make sense of the world around them. Their brain is literally trying to help them make sense of a confusing world.

The Detective Work Nobody Signed Up For

Okay, so now you’re probably wondering – how do I tell the difference between manipulation and medical issues? Good question, and honestly, it’s not always clear-cut.

When your elderly parent tells you something very serious, like health issues or some type of abuse, you need to investigate it. Even if they have been telling you lies for some time, it’s better to know for sure. This is crucial because you don’t want to ignore something serious just because they’ve lied before. You don’t want to get into a situation of ‘the boy who cried wolf’, just because they constantly lie about certain things.

Some of the most common lies include claiming they’re in pain when they’re not (or the reverse), insisting they’ve already taken their medication, or accusing caregivers of stealing. Most of these can be checked quite easily with pill counts, talking to caregivers, or consulting with doctors.

But here’s the thing – you have to become a bit of a detective, and that’s exhausting. You’re constantly fact-checking someone you love, and it feels terrible.

Having “The Talk” (And Why It Might Not Work)

If you’ve determined that cognitive issues aren’t the problem, you might want to try addressing it directly. Once you have established that they do not have any cognitive concerns, try to talk to them. Sometimes, just letting them know that you know they are lying is enough to get them to stop.

The key here is approach. Don’t be confrontational, just address the issue calmly. Don’t call them a liar, but you could ask them if it is true, as it doesn’t seem right to you. You’re basically giving them an out, a chance to come clean without losing face.

But let’s be honest – sometimes they’ll just double down. They might get defensive, angry, or even more creative with their stories. And that’s when you realize you might be in this for the long haul.

When You Have to Wave the White Flag

Here’s something nobody really prepares you for: sometimes you just have to accept it. For your peace and well-being, you may need to just accept the fact that they are going to keep lying. Ultimately, you can’t make them stop and if they know you know, then that’s where you are at.

This doesn’t mean you become a pushover. It means you stop driving yourself crazy trying to change something you can’t control. Make sure everyone else knows. Involve your family and the caregivers. It might be different if your parent knows that everyone is in on their game.

The hardest part? Stay calm and don’t get mad at them. This will be challenging as the lies and their insistence on them will be very frustrating. You don’t have to challenge them on every lie, just smile.

I know, I know. “Just smile” sounds ridiculously simple when you’re dealing with your third “emergency” call this week that turns out to be nothing. But picking your battles becomes essential for your sanity.

Setting Boundaries That Actually Work

If the lying is affecting your daily life (and let’s face it, it probably is), you need boundaries. If one of the lies is manipulating you to run every day to aid them, let them know this isn’t going to happen anymore. Set a limit on the hours they can call and ignore their calls if they don’t adhere to it.

This feels harsh, I get it. But you can’t help anyone if you’re burned out and resentful. Have someone available, whether family or a professional caregiver to answer the calls. If every call is an emergency, it can get extremely frustrating.

When It’s Not Really Lying At All

Now, if we’re dealing with dementia or other cognitive issues, the whole game changes. Often, the best response to confabulation in dementia is to join the person in her reality, rather than attempting to correct and point out the truth. Rarely, if ever, does arguing with someone who has dementia reap any benefits.

This approach, called validation therapy, recognizes that there’s usually an emotional truth behind the confabulation, even if the facts are wrong. They may become angry or upset if you challenge them, which can make it hard to care for them.

Instead of saying “No, Dad, that didn’t happen,” you might say something like “Tell me more about that” or “That sounds important to you.” You’re acknowledging their feelings without necessarily agreeing with the facts.

The Bottom Line

Look, there’s no magic solution here. Dealing with elderly family members who lie – whether it’s intentional or due to medical reasons – is one of those life challenges nobody really prepares you for. It tests your patience, your love, and sometimes your sanity.

But remember this: It is best to prepare for the likelihood of dementia behaviors before they arise instead of being caught by surprise. Seek support. It doesn’t matter if it’s from the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Hotline, a spiritual leader, another family member, a social worker.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. There are resources, support groups, and professionals who understand exactly what you’re going through. And honestly? Sometimes just knowing you’re not the only one dealing with this stuff makes all the difference.

The hardest truth I’ve learned? Sometimes love means accepting people as they are, lies and all, while still protecting your own peace of mind. It’s messy, it’s complicated, and it’s okay to feel frustrated about it. You’re human, they’re human, and we’re all just doing our best with a difficult situation.