What is Contempt in a Relationship?

Contempt in relationships is a particularly corrosive emotional attitude where one person views their partner as fundamentally inferior, unworthy of respect, or beneath them. It’s more than just momentary anger or frustration—it’s a stance of looking down on your partner with scorn, disgust, or disdain. Contempt communicates a profound disrespect that cuts to the core of someone’s sense of self-worth and dignity.

When contempt becomes established in a relationship, one person positions themselves as superior—morally, intellectually, or in character—while viewing their partner as defective or lesser. This attitude undermines the very foundation of mutual respect that healthy relationships require to flourish.

Example 1: The Eye Roll

Maria asks her husband Carlos to help with dinner preparations. Instead of responding directly, Carlos dramatically rolls his eyes, sighs heavily, and mutters, “Of course you can’t handle this yourself.” This non-verbal communication signals that he finds her request ridiculous and views her as incompetent. The eye roll isn’t just disagreement—it’s a gesture loaded with disdain that communicates, “You and your needs are beneath me.”

Example 2: The Intellectual Put-Down

During a dinner with friends, James shares an opinion about current events. His partner Alex immediately jumps in with, “That’s completely naive. You clearly don’t understand how the world actually works,” accompanied by a dismissive wave of the hand. Rather than offering a different perspective respectfully, Alex publicly undermines James’s intelligence and credibility, treating his viewpoint as worthless.

Example 3: The Character Assassination

When discussing household finances, Priya forgets to mention a small purchase. Her partner Raj responds, “This is exactly why I can’t trust you with anything important. You’re always careless and irresponsible—just like your mother.” Here, Raj isn’t addressing a specific mistake but attacking Priya’s fundamental character, suggesting an inherent and unchangeable flaw.

Anecdotes from Counseling Experience

The Corrector

In my counseling practice, I worked with a couple where one partner constantly corrected the other’s pronunciation, grammar, and factual details in stories—even in front of friends and family. When we explored this pattern, the corrected partner shared how these seemingly small interactions had gradually eroded their confidence in speaking up at all. They’d begun to feel perpetually stupid and inadequate. The correcting partner was shocked to realize their habit communicated a message of, “I’m smarter than you, and I need everyone to know it.”

The Mind-Reader

Another couple came to therapy after fifteen years of marriage on the brink of divorce. One partner had developed a habit of pre-judging the other’s motives: “You’re only doing that to manipulate me” or “You just want attention.” This presumptive mind-reading contained profound contempt—the assumption that the partner’s intentions were always selfish and unworthy. After months of work recognizing this pattern, they began practicing genuine curiosity about each other’s internal experiences rather than assuming the worst.

The Historical Scorekeeper

I once counseled a couple where every disagreement unleashed a torrent of past failures: “This is just like when you ruined our vacation five years ago” or “You always make this mistake.” This contemptuous pattern communicated that the partner was fundamentally flawed and incapable of growth or change. Their relationship transformed when they committed to addressing only current issues without bringing up the “evidence file” of past mistakes.

Actionable Tips for Addressing Contempt

Practice Physiological Awareness

Contempt often has physical markers—a curled lip, rolled eyes, or dismissive tone. Start noticing these signs in yourself. When you feel that familiar facial tension or hear yourself using a certain tone, pause. This physiological awareness creates a crucial moment of choice before contempt escalates.

Replace Criticism with Specific Requests

Instead of saying, “You never help around here—you’re so lazy,” try “I’m feeling overwhelmed with household tasks. Could you take responsibility for doing the dishes tonight?” This shifts communication from attacking character to expressing needs constructively.

Cultivate Genuine Appreciation

Set a daily practice of noticing and expressing appreciation for your partner’s positive qualities or actions. This isn’t about forcing false positivity—it’s about retraining your attention to see the full picture of who they are, not just their flaws or mistakes.

Develop Empathy Through Perspective-Taking

When feeling contemptuous, challenge yourself to imagine your partner’s perspective with real curiosity. Ask yourself: “What might be happening for them right now that I’m not seeing? What needs or fears might be driving their behavior?” This mental exercise helps disrupt the superiority stance that fuels contempt.

Use the Soft Start-Up Approach

When raising difficult issues, begin conversations gently. Research shows that the first three minutes of a conversation predict how it will end. Start with “I” statements about your experience rather than accusatory “you” statements about their character or behavior.

Create Repair Rituals

Develop shared ways to recover when contempt sneaks into your interactions. This might be a code word that either partner can use to signal “we’re entering dangerous territory,” a physical gesture like reaching for each other’s hands, or a mutual agreement to take a 20-minute cooldown period before continuing a heated discussion.

Seek External Support Early

Contempt is often called the greatest predictor of divorce for good reason—it’s difficult to address alone once established. Consider reaching out to a relationship counselor who can provide objective feedback and structured exercises to rebuild respect and affection in your relationship.